Hoca's Test

A learned foreign scientist came to Aksehir and said he wanted to challenge the wits of the most knowledgeable person in the city. The townsfolk called for Nasreddin Hoca....

When the Hoca arrived, the foreigner drew a circle in the sand with a stick. The Hoca frowned, took the stick, and divided the circle in two.

The foreigner then drew another line through the circle that divided it into four equal parts. The Hoca pretended to gather three parts toward himself and to push the remaining part toward the foreigner.

The foreigner then raised his arm above his head, and wiggling his extended fingers, he slowly lowered his hand to the ground. The Hoca did exactly the same thing but in the opposite direction -- moving his hand from the ground to a height above his head.

And, that completed the foreigner's tests -- which he explained privately to the city council..."Your Hoca is very clever man," he began, "I showed him that the world is round -- and he confirmed it but indicated that 'it also has an equator'. And when I divided the world into 4 parts, he indicated that it is '3 parts water and 1 part land', which I can't deny. Finally, I asked what is the origin of rain? He answered quite rightly that 'water rises as steam to the sky, makes cloud, and later returns to earth as rain.'"

When they got him alone, the ordinary townsfolk asked the Hoca what the challenge was all about? The Hoca said, "Well, that other fellow first asked, 'Suppose we have this round tray of baklava [a Turkish dessert]? So, I said, 'You can't eat it all by yourself, you know. So, I'll take half.' Then he got a little rude, saying, 'What will you do if I cut it into 4 parts?' That upset me, so I said, 'In that case, I'll take three of the parts and only leave you one!' That softened him up, I think, because then, with the motion of his hand, he said, 'Well, I suppose I could add some walnuts and pistachio nuts on top of the baklava.' I cooled down too and said, 'That's fine with me, but you'll need to cook it under full flame, because an ash fire just won't be hot enough'. When I said that, he knew I was right, and gave up the game..."

I, my own too, didn't approve

Someones asked the Hodja:
-Effendi, Have you ever invented anything?
-I did, replied the Hodja.
-What did you invented?
-to eat the bread with snow... I invented it myself but I, my own too, didn't approve...

Nasreddin and the Schoolteacher

Nasreddin had a leaky ferry-boat, and used it to row people across the river. One day his passenger was a fussy schoolteacher, and on the way across he decided to give Nasreddin a test and see how much he knew.

"Tell me, Nasreddin, what are eight sixes?"
"I've no idea"
"How do you spell magnificence?"
"I don't"
"Didn't you study anything at school?"
"No."
"In that case, half your life is lost."
Just then a fierce storm blew up, and the boat began to sink.
"Tell me, schoolteacher," said Nasreddin. "Did you ever learn to swim"
"No."
"In that case, your whole life is lost."            Liviu Stanila - Romania

Ten Akce for pestamal

One day, Great Tamerlane goes to the Aksehir Central Hamam (hamam=Turkish bath). In hamam, after undressed and wrapped 'pestamals' (large bath towel) around, they enter into hot room. They sit on 'gobek tasi' (large very hot marble). While sweating, they chat.
Then Tamerlane asks the Hodja:
-Hodja, you are very learned one! You know to appraise properly. Tell me what is my worth, my value?
-10 'Akce' (old Turkish gold coin), replied the Hodja.
Tamerlane flies into a rage about the so low appraisal value for himself.
-You, idiot! says Tamerlane, how can yo say me my value is ten Akces, just this pestamal alone is worth 10 Akce!
Nasreddin Hoja replies by nodding,
-I included that when I gave you my estimate!

Expensive Birds

Nasreddin Hodja approached to a crowd gathered around a man in the market of Aksehir. The man was trying to sell his own bird and its
price was too high, 50 Akce (Akce=old Turkish gold coin). On the other side, one chicken was for 5 Akce. The Hodja couldn't get the much difference in the prices and asks;
-My fellow countryman, what kind of bird is it
you want 50 Akce?
-Hodja Effendi, this one is not a kind of bird that you know, this has special property.
-What is its speciality?
-My Hodja, this bird is called parrot and speaks.
The Hodja suddenly runs home, takes his turkey from the coop, and comes back to the market. He stays near the man selling the parrot and loudly;
-This bird you see is only for 100 Akce, come, comeee!
The most surprised man in the crowd was the seller of the parrot and he asks;
-My Hodja, isn't 100 Akce too high for a turkey?
-But you are selling yours for 50 Akce, replies Hodja.
-But mine speaks as I said before
-So what, mine thinks!

Aleksandar Klas - Yugoslavia

Miracle

Joking with Nasreddin Hodja by his friends has never ended. One day, some people of Aksehir teases by asking
-Hodja, it is said that you have an exalted position among Muslim saints. Is it real?
Of course, he had no such a claim but he replies since he was asked once;
-Probably it must be so.
-Such persons prove themselves to everybody
by showing their miracles from time to time.
So, since you accepted, show a miracle and
lets see! asks people.
-All right, lets do a trick, says Hodja and addressing the plane tree in front of him;
-Hello great plane tree, come quickly near me!...
Of course, no tree comes or goes. Hodja walks
toward the tree and stays there.
The people of Aksehir says;
-Hodja, what happened, you were unable to
bring the tree but you went there! as they were
laughing at him,
-We aren't haughty, says the Hodja, if a mountain doesn't walk, saint-like person walks.

The blanket gone, the quarrel is over.

It was about midnight when the Hodja heard a frightful row going on just beneath his window. he loved watching a fight and wasn't going to miss such an opportunity. As the weather was rather cold, he threw a blanket round his shoulders and run out into the street.
There, a couple of hooligans were yelling and violently pushing each other about. But when the Hodja approached, better to watch the fight, as well as to find out the reason for it, both rascals threw themselves on him, snatched his blanket away and disappeared into the darkness.
Pursuing being out of the question, there was nothing left to do for the Hodja but to go back to bed, perplexed and blanketless.
-Well, what was the fight about? asked his wife.
-It appears to have been about our blanket, replied the Hodja, The blanket gone, the quarrel is over.

Last Hope

The Hodja had lost his donkey and was going about searching for it, at the same time singing gaily.
Someone couldn't help asking:
-It looks funny to hear you sing, Hodja Effendi, when everyone knows you have lost your donkey. One would expect to see you wailing and lamenting your loss!
-My one last hope is that the dump creature may be behind that hill, yonder, my friend. Wait and hear the wailing and the lamenting, if that shouldn't be the case!

None of your business

While walking homeward in the evening the Hodja was stopped by a fellow villager known to be an ardent devourer of sweets.
-Hodja, a short while ago I saw a fellow carrying a huge tray of fine desserts...
-It's none of my business!
-But the fellow was taking the tray into your house.
-Then it's none of your business!   Oskar Weiss - Switzerland

Either the camel or ...

One day Tamerlane, while having a chat with Hodja, he was speaking extravagantly in a sort of "I thrown my sword from here, its tip danced in Halabiye". He was so exaggerating that a flea became a camel. Hodja was very bored. Finally, he exaggerated more than him by making a camel a strange enormous animal:
-The truth of the matter, I had many camels before. But I've never seen such a camel i have now. If I say "walk", it does. If I say "fly", it does. Unfortunately, it can read but can not write, like my small child!
Tamerlane was very amazed:
-Please let me see this creature!
Hodja remaining imperturbed:
-Your Majesty, said the Hodja, todays I am teaching first parts of namaz (namaz=is the Moslem ritual prayer). If God wills, when I come next year again, it will kneel in front of you!
Tamerlane anxiously waited for the meeting day in next year.
As the day came, Hodja:
-Sir, Don't ask. Once it begun to read the Quran, loved so much, and now insisting on by continuosly saying "I will be hafiz!" (hafiz is one who has memorized the Quran). Next year, God willing, as it'll know the Quran thoroughly you will listen to its voice by your heart!
said the Hodja and left the tent of Tamerlane.
While Tamerlane was waiting anxiously for the next year, Hodja's wife and friends worrying about his life;
-Hodja, are you playing with your blood? Tamerlane, adage one, will not believe your lie at the end. Stop playing!
Hodja replies;
-See here, why so panic! Long time till next year. Till then, either the camel may die or me or Tamerlane!

The moon in the well

One night Hodja was walking by a well when he had a sudden impulse to look inside of it. To his amazement he saw the reflection of the moon in the water and exclaimed:

" The moon has fallen into the well! I must save it somehow!"

He looked around an found a rope with a hook on the end of it so he threw it in the well and shouted:

"Grab the hook, moon, and hold tight! I'll pull you out!"

The rope latched onto a rock inside the well and Hodja pulled back on the rope as hard as he could. Suddenly the hook broke free from the rock and Hodja fell over on his back. Lying there, he noticed the moon high up in the sky above. He heaved a sigh of relief and said:

"Well, it wasn't easy, but it's sure a wonderful feeling to know that I've delivered the moon from the well!"

Help yourself my fur coat

One day the Hodja was invited to a wedding. Having arrived in his shabby, everybody clothing nobody seemed to take any notice of him. Well, this wouldn't do. He bided his chance and slipped out unnoticed.
He returned, wearing his best robe and his fine fur coat. From the entrance on he was overwhelmed with compliments, given the best seat at the table and urged to partake of the choicest morsels. Smiling, he began to dip the sleeve of his fur coat into the dishes, saying:
- Help yourself, my fur coat!
- What are you doing, Hodja Effendi? cried the host and some guests in alarm.
- Why, i was just inviting my fur coat to partake of these delicacies, since it seems to command so much respect! A few minutes ago, without my fur coat, i wasn't even noticed. Because of it, i am now being overwhelmed with attentions!.

If this be the liver

Nasreddin Hodja was very fond of liver. But every time he brought some home, his wife would seize the opportunity and give a party to her friends. Come evening and the Hodja would again be fed some soup or rice.
The excuse was always the same: "Ah Effendi, that good-for-nothing cat of yours stole the liver and ate the lot!"
On one such night the Hodja could contain himself no longer. He sprang up, fetched the steelyard and tying a handkerchief around the cat's middle, weighed it carefully. Then turning to his wife:
- I thought so!, he said. The liver i brought home today weighed exactly one kilo. This cat here weighs one kilo too. Well, women, if this be the liver where is my cat?

You can have the five piasters

One day the Hodja was having a leisurely walk when all of a sudden he was slapped by somebody from behind on the nape of the neck with so much force that he was nearly knocked down,

- How dare you hit me!, the Hodja raged.

The young man, who was more than a little arrogant, apologized summarily and said he had made a slight error and had mistaken the Hodja for a very good friend of his. He further opined that the Hodja was making a mountain out of a mole hill.
After this obvious slight, nothing less than a trial by court satisfy the Hodja. He insisted upon this and there was no alternative for the offender but to submit.
The Magistrate heard the parties with apparent impartiality, but in fact he was a friend of the offender and all the time he was thinking of how to extricate him from the mess, at the same time mollifying the Hodja.

- Well, my dear Hodja, he said. I understand perfectly well how you feel. Anybody would feel the same under the circumstances. What would you say if I allowed you to slap him yourslef, would you then call it quits?

No! The Hodja wouldn't be satisfied with that. He had been gravely insulted and wanted justice done.

- Well, then. Having duly deliberated the merits of the case, I hereby fine the offender five piasters, to be paid over to the offended party as damages.

He then told the young man to go fetch the five piasters, and the latter departed with alacrity.

The Hodja sat waiting for the young man's return. An hour passed, then two hours, but there was still no sign of the young man. When it was about time for the court to close, he selected the Magistrate's busiest moment and giving him a mighty slap on the nape of the neck, said:

- Sorry I can't wait any longer, your Honour! When that fellow turns up, tell him that i said you are now entitled to the five piasters

Thank God!

Hadja had lost his donkey. While he was looking for it, he kept repeating, "Thank God!"
"Hodja, why are you thanking God all the time?" people asked.
"I am grateful that I was not on the donkey, otherwise I would be lost too." he answered.

The missing leg

The Hodja was a poor man but not a miserly one. As a matter of fact, miserly people are never poor. Anyhow, one day the Hodja was going to visit the great Tamerlane. On second thoughts he realized how unseemly it would look for him to go empty handed. No, it wouldn't do...

He got a goose beatifully roasted, placed it in a tray and started on his way to the palace. After a while, the aroma of the roasted goose began to tell on him and, when he could bear it no longer, he broke one of it legs off and satisfied his desire.

Tamerlane when offered the gift, at once noticed that one of the legs was missing and being lame in one leg himself, he thought this must have been done on purpose to remind him of his disability. He was, of course, furious and the Hodja had never in his life been in greater danger.

-"What is the meaning of this? " roared the tryant. "Where's the other leg of this goose?"
-"Your Majesty, all the goose in Akshehir are one-legged," replied the Hodja.
-"That's preposterous! I never heard of such nonsense!"
-"If your Majesty deigns to look out of the window, the geese near the water will vouch for me."
True enough, all these were standing about in the sun on one leg. He ordered an attendant to chase the birds away. They watched the attendant throw a large stick and then the geese running away as fast as both their legs could carry them.
-"You see, Nasreddin, you were lying. Those geese proved to have two legs a piece."
-"Those poor birds didn't prove a thing, your Majesty. If i were chased away with such a stick, i might grow two more legs myself."

Paid in proper coin

Late one day, on his way to the town square, a hungry beggar happened to pass by a restaurant. In the front part of the establishment, for all to see, and to savor its aroma, was a mouthwatering leg of lamb cooking on a spit. A small sign near the spit offered portions of the cooked lamb at five piasters. The beggar, who had not yet eaten that day, thought to himself: "I have only two piasters, which is not enough for the meat. However, I can buy a loaf of their bread for only one of my piasters. I will then sit and eat the bread with my eyes closed, while smelling the aroma of that delicious lamb. By this I will dine better than on the bread alone." he thought.

Intent on his plan, the beggar shuffled into the restaurant, ordered the bread, and for the next half hour sat and munched contentedly. All the while somewhat obviously inhaling the pleasing fragrance of the meat cooking nearby. He was so obvious about this that with his eyes closed, he failed to notice a few glares directed his way by other patrons at their tables.

As the beggar popped the last morsel of bread into his mouth, the restaurant owner arrived to present him with the bill. Expecting only the posted charge of one piaster for bread, the beggar was horrified to see a bill for two piasters.

"What is this?" cried the beggar. "I had only one loaf of bread and your menu plainly puts the price of this at one piaster! I do not understand"

"Indeed, a loaf of bread here is one piaster" said the owner. "I am charging you an extra piaster for the smell of the meat. The smell of the meat is something extra which you take away with you along with the bread you have eaten."

"What?!!" Shouted the beggar. "That is nonsense. The smell of the meat is something on the air for all to savor equally. It is everywhere over the entire street!"

A terrible disagreement ensued, as you may imagine. The noise of the argument grew so great as to reach clear into the street, where Nasreddin Hodja happened to be passing by. Indeed the Hodja was just at that moment approaching the restaurant, for he had both heard the loud argument and seen the growing crowd at the door to the establishment, their necks craning to see inside. When those at the rear of the crowd spied the Hodja approaching, they parted to make way, for his wisdom was of course widely known and respected. When the owner and the beggar, now almost to blows, saw the Hodja approaching through the crowd parted in the doorway, they both fell silent. Then, almost as one, they fell over themselves entreating Nasreddin to settle the dispute. Babbling together, each was convinced he was in the right, and each was equally convinced the Hodja would favor his side of the argument.

"Tell me one at a time, said Nasreddin, what is the reason for all this noise?" The establishment again fell silent. As calmly as they could, each explained. The beggar told of his hunger and his innocent plan to dine better. The owner, of his need to charge for anything taken as part of a meal, in this case including the smell of the meat. The Hodja listened to all without comment, then said sharply to the beggar "give me your two piasters" As he handed them over, the poor beggar�s heart sank. "It is ever thus for me" he thought.

To the owner the Hodja held out a hand containing the beggar�s two piasters. "Do these appear to be two piasters?" asked the Hodja.

"Yes." replied the eager owner.

The Hodja then cupped the coins in both hands and shook them vigorously, making the coins ring in the silence of the restaurant. "And the sound, is it the sound of two piasters?" asked the Hodja. "Yes! yes" replied the owner. The Hodja again rang the coins in his hands asking "is it a pleasing sound?"
"Yes yes yes" said the owner, ready to take possession. Quickly, the Hodja handed one piaster back to the beggar and, with a twinkle in his eye, bid him depart. Which he did quickly, out through the silent crowd.

Handing the remaining piaster to the now puzzled owner, the Hodja said "Our friend has properly paid one piaster for the bread. And for the smell of the meat, he has properly paid with the sound of the money."

Let it cry!

One night, Hodja was waken up by his wife while their baby was crying in his cradle. .
-Hodja, swing the cradle! This baby is not only mine but the half is yours.
Hodja with sleepy eyes,
-Ok, do it for the half of yours, let the half part of mine cry!.

I was thinking about it right now

One day, Hodja was stealing some cabbages from a garden, filling them in a chuval (a kind of Turkish bag). At that time, the owner of garden came. Hodja begun to think about what to tell as lie.
-Hodja Effendi, what are you doing? asked the Gardener.
-Don't ask Sir, you remember the weather was stormy few minutes ago. It thrown me here.
-E-e-e, why did you break those cabbages off?
-While i was holding on them to save my self, they were broken off.
-Ok, but why did you fill them in the chuval? asked the gardener with angry face.
-Well, i was thinking about it right now. You came!

Those who know and those who don't

Friday is the Sabbath for Moslems and it is customary for the hodjas te preach to the congregation after the midday prayers.
Nasreddin Hodja was usually averse to preaching. One Sabbath, after the prayers, he climbed up to the pulpit and addressing the people said:
"Oh, good people of Akshehir, do you know what I am now about to tell you?"
"No," came the reply.
"Since you don't know about so important a subject, I'd better save my breath."
So saying the Hodja got down the pulpit and walked out the mosque.
Next Sabbath, when he put the same question to the congregation :
"Yes," was the reply.
"In that case, there is no reason for my wasting your time," said the Hodja and walked out.
The third Sabbath when confronted with the same question, half the congregation said "Yes" and the other half "No."
"Well, that's all to the good," said the Hodja this time. "Those of you who know can tell all about it to those of you who don't."

Nasreddin and The Wise Men

The philosophers, logicians and doctors of law were drawn up at Court to examine Nasreddin. This was a serious case, because he had admitted going from village to village saying: "The so-called wise men are ignorant, irresolute and confused." He was charged with undermining the security of the state.
"You may speak first," said the King.
"Have paper and pens brought," said the Hoca.
Paper and pens were brought.
"Give some to each of the first seven savants."
They were distributed.
"Have them seperately write an answer to this question:"What is bread?"
This was done.

The papers were handed to the King, who read them out:
The first said: "Bread is a food."
The second: "It is flour and water."
The third:"A gift of God."
The fourth:"Baked dough."
The fifth:"Changeable, according to how mean 'bread'."
The sixth:"A nutritious substance."
The seventh:"Nobody really knows."

"When they decide what bread is," said Nasreddin, "it will be possible for them to decide other things. For example, whether I am right or wrong. Can you entrust matters of assessment and judgement to people like this? Is it or is it not strange that they cannot agree about something which they eat each day, yet are unanimous that I am a heretic?"